Thursday, September 22, 2011

Going Within


     I have had about enough of all the noisy clamor and distraction of the outside world. Everything is changing faster than I can process the information and I think it is now time to quiet myself and go inward. I've have tried to rejoin the external rat race after the quiet nomad adventure of the past year, but something profound happened in the deserts of New Mexico that makes it almost impossible to return to the normalcy of my former existence. Now it wasn't the spiritual awakening of meditation and healthy outdoor living that I anticipated. In contrast, the dreams of the New Mexico desert threw me down in illness and at one point lying in the heat of the Eurovan with fevers, nausea, intestinal upheaval, stabbing back pain and asthma... I could only focus on taking one more breath. Ironically, I took some of my best photos there as I arose from the pit of my despair and tried to focus on the beautiful desolation of my surroundings. I surrendered to whatever fate was in store, as I didn't think I would come out alive. But I did... and recuperated after returning to the lushness and the cool ocean breezes of the West Coast.
     There followed an urgent return home to reunite with family and re-establish a home base. I was only able to secure a one day a week teaching position and found myself with much time on my hands. The news blared disaster, there was an earthquake, a hurricane, and lots of external issues to think about... and sleepless nights thinking about them. Memories from childhood surfaced from within the dream world, some good and some not so good. Yet when I really thought about it I wasn't much changed from that lonely kindergarten student that watched the other kids play from a distant corner of the playroom and then retreated to the solitary activity of doing the puzzle of the United States throughout the entire school year. I can still see the pieces and hear my internal pronunciations of Wooming and Oreegan. I was content being a loner back then, until I learned that it was not a good way to be in the world... it was considered weird. Years were spent trying to be outgoing, interesting, successful and I realized that I was the actress that I wanted to be when I grew up.

Now it is a different game, a new playing field... as a shift in perspective has taken hold. Outwardly there will be no great metamorphosis... I will still enjoy the company of family, still shoot photos of things that interest me, read, write, knit, teach... but instead of trying to fit into a world that doesn't quite make sense any more, I will also go within through meditation and reflection and try to find some of the beauty that I see around me... from a quiet place deep within myself.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Discarding Broken Pieces

  

      Disappointment is like a pervasive cancer that invades the lightness of one's being with sadness, self doubt, and unrest. As infants we come into the world where we seem to be shaped into unique individuals by the breadth of our experiences and relationships. We grow to set goals, while learning from past mistakes, and strive for that honest ideal of who we really are. Maslow termed it self-actualization.
    Our first circle of support comes from our small family units where we feel a sense of belonging and in the best case scenario we are loved just for being a part of the whole. Ultimately family members move out into the world and form new relationships and seek new means of self expression... it seems to be the natural order of the human journey. We leave the safety of the nest, test our wings, and connect with others who share in our system of belief. We seek the love and comfort in which we feel validated for our uniqueness.
     Sadly, some of our earliest bonds get strained and broken by the choices and direction of our emerging communal self. Just as the earth breaks up with quakes, and angry storms destroy landscapes, human anger and hostility creates even far more damage than Mother Nature could ever dish up. And so family units disintegrate, new alliances are formed, and the clearness and comfort of the family window crashes into pieces.
     Often the pieces can be mended and glued back into place, but as the next storm approaches and the hot winds pick up, the mended pieces break loose, smash again and again until all that is left is sharpened shards. At this point, you are faced with a simple question ... is this window even worth fixing? I think not.

Sometimes you must just cut your losses, grieve over what was and what could have been, and refocus on the meaning of family... namely those who love and support you in spite of what you believe.