Dysfunction in a New Light

Labor day, the celebration of the last of the summertime party of backyard cookouts, outdoor games and merriment is coming.  With it lurks the unspoken anxiety of my family's  dysfunction  that is usually predictable and unavoidable. One of the things I will do this year is to see the usual characters who each have their trigger points for dysfunctional drama (myself included) in a new light before the merriment (drinking) gets going. Each member of the family will get a reflection not based on their negative attributes, but rather on what trait of theirs has enriched my life. For instance, I will think of my Dad as sharing with me his love of nature while my mom shared her sense of things mystical. One of my sisters has given me the spirit to strive to be more outgoing, while my other sister has the uncanny ability to know when I might need an encouraging pick me up. My baby sister often reminds me of how I inspired her to be the great mom that she is. My brother never fails to make me bellylaugh at his hysterical imitations and antics. Together we make up the normal dysfunctional family, however instead of focusing on each particular negative trait that still surfaces all these year later, I will only reflect on the gifts that each one has given me. As far as the usual drama that might unfold when we are blended together again at holiday time, I will accept that as a diversion from boredom.

Five Things I've Learned

Today is the eve of my 51st birthday and I have thought about five things I've learned that will help me set my sights to sail through my 5th decade. 

1. If I cannot love and accept my self as I am in this very moment, then it will never occur at all. 

2. Anything that is is a worthwhile endeavor should be a joy and not a struggle.

3. If I hold on to past hurts, I just invite more of the same.

4. The only truth I can really know is the truth of my own emotions.

5. I can't control anything except my own perceptions.

Though I have learned these thoughts through trial and error, putting them into a way of living that will grant me the peace I desire will call for a level of self awareness that I am ready to explore. Lessons aren't truly learned unless they are lived. 

A Real Life Angel

I was thinking about my encounter years ago with my real life angel whose name is John. I had just lost my job because of a catastrophic injury that resulted in surgery. I was taking a host of medications for pain and was depressed about the loss of my career, the imminent loss of my townhouse, and also the inability to take are of my two adored teenaged children. I spent one day in complete misery as I planned how I could end my life to escape my perceived hopelessness, when the telephone rang. I answered it and a kind male voice addressed himself as my caseworker from the insurance company and told me he would see that my long term disability check was expedited. He asked me how I was feeling and listened patiently as I cried out my heart about all my losses. Then he asked me if I would be willing to accept his help. Since I could no longer work as an RN due to my physical limitation and lack of college degree, he offered to help me get grants and loans so I could return to the college where I had previously taken courses towards a BS degree. He promised to send money for books as well. This motivated me to apply as a full-time student and lo and behold I received loans as well as the check for books. He called me every other week to check my progress and when I mentioned that the physical therapy was brutal and I wished I could just go to the YMCA and swim, he arranged for a check for this wish as well. The next 15 months were spent going to school and swimming 45 minutes three times a week faithfully so as to not let John down for the kindness he had shown. I landed a job that I could not have gotten without my degree, and was strong enough for the rigors of full-time work. I asked John what I could do for him in return and he laughed and just said, "I like chocolate chip cookies". He got the biggest basket of cookies sent to his office, for which I received a lovely thank you and good luck card. Months later I called him at the insurance company and was told that there was no one by that name employed there. When I asked to speak to a supervisor she assured me that not only was there no one there with that name, but there was never an employee in that department with that name (and she had been there for ten years). I was stunned. Though I'm not sure who John really is, I can tell you that I owe my life to him and consider him my real life angel. It really is a wonderful life!

Sharing Your Song

I spend alot of time sitting on my front porch sipping iced tea and enjoying the various summer sounds of the birds, crickets and locusts. It is a peaceful luxury and one of the perks of having no set agenda for the day. Usually I can block out the noise of the cars that motor by on the wide tree lined street in front of my porch, and yet today I witnessed a human sound that caught my attention. A large pick-up truck was slowly passing by my house with it's sunglassed and bearded middle aged man singing at the top of his lungs to a Grateful Dead tune. The voice was a bit high pitched for such a burly looking driver, and yet it made me smile because he was obviously singing from his heart with all the glee of a child. Often in an attempt to avoid my usual impatience on the road, I too will play my favorite music and sing at the top of my lungs, however, this is NEVER done with the windows down. It made me wonder why we can't share the joy that we feel when we hear the music that resonates with us. Imagine going to the supermarket, airport, or mall and listening to happy people singing along with their iPods, instead of the usual complaining or irritated murmuring that is usually associated with places of stress. Birds sing regardless of the quality of their voice and yet we usually associate pleasure with those sounds, even if it is a squeaking catbird or a screaming bluejay. Maybe one day I'll try to sing while driving with the windows down or when I'm taking a walk. Perhaps it will make someone smile (or chuckle) or have the courage to share their own song in public.

Being a Knowbody

Being a "somebody" is a termed usually reserved for people who possess some talent that gives them an audience of large groups of people who admire, envy, or in some way are touched by the somebody. Everyone has their mental list of who the somebodies are, however for the most part, I am referring to the somebody who is a household name. If your not a somebody, you are generally referred to as a "nobody". In my opinion, this term seems to represent the opposite of the somebody, meaning someone with no talent or admirers, invisible and unengaged; hence "no body".  Since I'm not a person who feels comfortable in a  black and white world, I'd say that between these two extremes is a what I like to consider myself... a" knowbody".  Although I admire the hard work and the sacrifice put forth by my list of somebodies, i.e. Oprah, Madonna, Steven Colbert... I would have no desire to walk in their footsteps. I am content just knowing that by enjoying their talents, in some small way I contribute to their success. This puts me in the good, anonymous company of  others who "know" talent, and by tuning in, also contribute to the success of the somebody. As the great majority, we share an important job and although most people wish to be a somebody, I don't aspire to this goal.  I can't imagine the incredible pressure and lack of freedom that these folk must endure. I can roam anywhere in the world and nobody will ever bug me for an autograph or scandalous picture. There is no pressure to do anything except what I feel like doing at the moment, and the only criticism that might sting would come from my tiny family group ( as I don't really care what anyone outside that groups thinks). I know myself and my talents and am content at present. There is always the possibility that by reaching for higher goals or new hobbies I can perhaps elevate a little higher up the somebody-nobody continuum, but as a true knowbody, I think I would know when to stop.

Clearing Mental Clutter

One of the benefits of being removed from a full time job is the ability to spend time sitting quietly and watching the thoughts that surface up through the mind. Years of automatic thinking seemed to have led me through a life that never achieved a hint of sustainable peace. I bought scores of self help and spiritual books in an attempt to find the peace that I craved, hoping one would hold the answer, but as soon as the reading was finished the lesson was lost. Outside of the daily 5 minute meditation that was part of my morning routine, my work life, school life and home life held many moments of  worry, fret and thoughts of what if, what next, and a lot of woulda, shoulda, couldas. Of course, these thoughts greatly intensified immediately after losing my job. I could not help but relive the pain and wonder how in one day I had a job I really liked and the next day it was gone. Anger, shock and sorrow are part of the grieving process, but I realized that rehashing the events in my mind would serve no useful purpose in helping me with the present. I had to make a very conscious effort to watch the thoughts that were parading through my head and let them go like a soap bubble in the wind. It was surprising to actively notice how much negative chatter attempts to occupy my mind while sitting quietly or taking a solitary walk. What I try to do now as an exercise in peace during these two daily activities is to place focus on Nature. Instead of listening to myself remind me of all the things I should be doing, or recriminate myself for past events, I consciously watch the antics of the birds and squirrels, notice and wonder what the clouds are up to, and listen as the leaves whisper their secret language. It is easier to do this if I place a smile on my face, and I have become aware that the unwanted thoughts are ready to creep in when that smile disappears. Though I have a ways to go to maintain this peaceful state, I am slowing working up to it by allowing myself the time to practice.

Downsizing a life

Months before getting fired, my husband and I excitedly talked about the possibility of dropping out of society and going on the road to really experience the US. As children of the 60's we always admired hippies and flower children and now that our children have been emancipated it seemed feasible. We live around in a 5 bedroom Victorian home of which most of our time is spent on the front porch listening to music, enjoying each others wacky sense of humor and basically just watching the world go by. Since my abrupt departure from work, we have made a commitment to seriously downsize. The first step of course was getting unemployment so we could continue to pay certain bills and the usual credit card debt. But it was astonishing to realize how much I was spending by working in the corporate setting. Among the luxuries that bit the dust were nail and hair appointments, dry cleaning, house cleaning service, frequent dinners out, take out meals and of course gas. Travel expenditures incurred by my travels on the job always exceeded what I actually got to expense, mandatory business clothes and the expense of having large gourmet family dinners once or twice a week were all let go. Next came the business of getting a large house in need of some cosmetic repair ready for sale. I used any leftover paint in the cellar to do touch ups and gave away a lot of unnecessary decorations. It is easy to forget how much stuff you accumulate in a big old house until it is time to get rid of it all. Since our youngest was moving out of state I gave him my car, the living room set, and plenty of domestic things. It has been a full time job keeping the house immaculate so strangers can come in by appointment and view, but it is rewarding nonetheless as it is a means to our future plans. Of course it is the worst time in history to sell a house without buying another one, but that makes our adventure all the more exciting! Once the house is sold and all of our possessions are either sold or given away, we will buy a used Eurovan and head south somewhere. We both plan on blogging our adventure so now is my time to get my journaling going. Are we crazy...? probably, but what serves up as normal just doesn't suit us anymore. There's no time like the present to get started on your dreams.

Freedom from work

Did you ever wonder what it would feel like to get fired from your job for claiming that the raise you received was a joke? Well once the initial shock that this is a legitimate reason for being fired wears off... It feels great! I actually got the prize of freedom for my outspoken honesty, as I can stay up late, sleep in, and live in the moment, for the moment. In the past I was caught up in the false belief that if I did not contribute to the workplace, boredom or guilt would be my punishment, however, in the five months that I have been out of work I feel neither. I used to feel so tired all the time and now I realize that it was because I was tired... tired of working in the corporate setting where you spend too much of your time catering to the interests of the company. In hindsight my corporate job seemed to stifle or contaminate the most important parts of my life, mainly my family and creative pursuits. Now I can't wait to start the day and wonder about what I will read or do or create. I actually feel like doing exercise, not just once, but several times a day. I have learned to be good to myself so simple tasks like doing the laundry and washing the floor are just as enjoyable as reading and surfing the web. I am having such a wonderful time and yet I hope that by writing about my newly found freedom, perhaps I will gain some insight that will allow me to reinvent myself for the future.