Undone...

This is my last post... I've joined the ranks of the living dead, any flowery word I could utter would just be another painful fail. There are no words to justify a disappointment of giving and so I gratefully give up. Not in sorrowful protest... I could go on and on about that, just a misgiving of dreams of silent remembrance... fading into the schism of a world gone awry. I have only the energy to wake into another weighted tomorrow of buggy-lugging ineptitude, and the making of a paycheck that is so hard to come by. At the mercy of angels, I ask  a leaving... one foot forward in stoney frost... I will do my service of duty and wonder... what for?   

Who Knows, It Could Have Been Jesus

Yesterday, I had a day off from my new stint as a temporary case manager and I had a few errands to run that I couldn't do working this full time temporary stint at the hospital... although they begged me to come in on a scheduled day off ( they don't realize I've been around the block and am hip to that kind of begging). I got a needed vitamin B12 shot as the tingling fingers and sore tongue finally got to me. Next I got a prescription for the mouse elbow that I developed as a result of spending 8 hours a day mousing through computer screens to do this work that proceeded all my blogging. Then I went to the mall to try and replace a power cord to our ipod, as our boys were charged with putting the docking station away after their weekend visit and frankly they failed to secure it properly... it was chewed beyond repair by Otis my bunny. Ok, another chore accomplished. I cleaned the house, caught up the laundry , planned to drive Gerry to his Tiki bar bus trip party sponsored by his new job, when there was knock at the door. It was dark and gloomy and I startled as I went to answer the door. A tall young black man stood there in a clean shirt and tie, new sneakers, and waved an ID at me explaining that he was given a chance at a new life if only I would help him out. I knew the spiel.. he was planning to sell magazines within our affluent neighborhood... been there, done that many times before. I told him I had been fired from my job, was selling my house and wasn't sure I could help him much... but I listened. He was a good salesman and asked me about my self, my past and seemed truly compassionate... he listened. I invited him to sit on the porch and tell his tale of hardship and told him I wanted to help, but he would have to convince me, a person who was no longer on easy street. I secretly worried as the the thunderstorm kicked up and it got spooky that he could do me harm and I asked the angels to help me decide. At that moment my big strapping son pulled up in his jeep, saw my visitor and gruffly said hello and went into the house. My visitor was not deterred and told me he was trying to better himself with this job as he had caused his family enough hardship. My son shook his head as I got a hefty check for an Angel magazine (his name was Clarence for goodness sake, just like the angel who got his wings in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life.") Maybe I was taken, but I don't care... I am a working girl now, and even though I am not a Christian ( though I was raised one) I ask you, what if this was a test and this was Jesus... would you help him out? I feel good knowing I did.

A Splashy Vacation

Now that I'm back in the work world like everyone else, weekends have a whole new meaning. I can actually say, Yea, Friday... and mean it. When you're a domestic goddess all the days seem alike, except on the weekends you're not as lonely when the god is around. I forgot what heaven it is to sleep late (7: 00 Am) or to take an hour long bike ride around town. What I took for granted when unemployed now has more enjoyment attached to it. Weekends now seem like a mini vacation. There is sightseeing at the local markets (Cosco, Shop-Rite and Petsmart) and a gourmet dinner waits to be served after late afternoon cocktails on the porch or patio. We fit right in with the wildlife that surrounds us... laughing with the crows, noshing with the jackrabbits and Otis (my bunny) and being quiet enough like the deer so the nosy neighbors don't come strolling over to wreak our shenanigans. One of our neighbors has a heated salt water pool, but though it is nice that they always offer for us to come swimming... we prefer the splashy, kitschy coolness of our sprinkler. There is something very satisfying about wet grass on bare feet. Housework only gets done if there is nothing else going on... or if perspective buyers are coming to look... otherwise vacation is a time of rest and relaxation and silly fun. I am beginning to like this work stuff... as a foil for the weekend vacation.

A Bad Day for Beauty

Yesterday I took a needed day off from my full time temporary job to take care of household chores like order gutter cleaning, reinstate AAA (now that I have a clunker) go to the doctor's for a needed b12 shot, when I decided to call my daughter Tara who is now 22 weeks pregnant with my grandaughter Annabelle. I was alarmed when she told me she was dizzy and short of breath and couldn't get off the couch. Although I had just gotten out of the shower, I threw on some clothes and headed out the door as fast as I could to see what was up with my own baby girl. A mother instinctively knows the needs of her child (no matter how old they are) automatically come first. Although she looked tired, when I saw her I was relieved that her color was good, she was breathing ok, and nothing seemed terribly wrong. It was probably a bit of a panic attack, pregnancy does throw a surge of hormones. I had to admit that when I was pregnant with her, that I actually fainted several times during the summer months, probably I told her she should increase her water intake. I then drove her home with me so she could rest on my couch (after a nice high iron, high protein lunch). She rested, napped and hydrated with water and fruit as I cooked dinner for her little family and my own. I finished my chores and drove her to the OB-GYN where we waited in a busy office for an hour to hear her doctor assess what I already knew... "everything is fine, increase your water intake, and try to get a little more exercise to reduce stress." Annabelle's little heartbeat rhythmically beat in the merry staccato of the health unborn and all was well. I think my Beauty just needed assurance that her mom would always be there for her.. and I need to check in with her more often.  

I'm a Big Girl Now...

WOW what a difference a few weeks makes... I had a year off with no car, no cell phone, no friends calling, and a house that would not sell even though I tried my best magick tricks to make it so. So like a teenager who was done being grounded for shooting my big mouth off  to the principal in my past corporate high paying job,  I am all "growed up" and starting over. Here is my "new" car, a 98 Jetta I call Redwing, with 155,000 miles and still shiny off the dealer's lot. He runs a little rough, not like my sweet 2000 Vovlo S-40 named Bessie who I gave away  when I lost my job. My new guy stalls when I drive too slow, and the transmission slips and sometimes he bucks like a wild mustang, but I love him just the same for getting me to my new job. I feel so important because I now have a beeper hanging off my pocket as I travel to work, and sometimes people call me in a panic even before I even show up. But I don't believe in talking on a cell phone while driving so they have to wait until I arrive, and besides I am not up to speed with all the new bells and whistles on the cell phone (a year makes a difference you know) so not all my numbers are programmed in yet. All around me people at the hospital where I  work are overwhelmed, and agitated, and unhappy... but I seem to be doing okay in my happy ignorance and I have met some nice people who take life in stride and enjoy what they do. I no longer try to save the world, that is definitely not in my job description! I finished my work early today and even got to help another case manager finnish her day before I left... happy to do it and no stress for me. I think this past year of meditating and contemplating what I want has finally payed off... I'm enjoying a job for the first time in my life and leaving it behind when I come home to rest. In the big picture, no job is really all that important. I wish everyone had the opportunity to feel that way.

Boredom Takes Center Stage

When she was well, my mom shared her words of brilliance... little gems of wisdom that she picked up along her sad and difficult life. I was glad to have loved her in the unconditional way that she taught me, judging not lest I be judged. One of the things that stuck with me growing up, was when in the heart of the summer and I had few friends to pal around with (I was a bookish loner back then) I would lament... mom I'm sooo bored. She would laugh and give me the choice of various chores, as most moms did back then, but she offered me some words of advice as well. "Wendy, what most people don't know is that the bulk of life is mostly boredom, we each get a small chuck of joy on one end, and a small chunk of sorrow on the other end and what is in the middle is the great expanse of living which is boredom. This includes loneliness and contentment in equal measures. It is not so important that we avoid this state of being, it is how we choose to make use of this state that makes a life worth living." In my interpretation I see now that usually boredom is contentment... without the judgements of the past or the wishes of the future. Why then is it such a hard state to maintain in the positive? I wish my mom was still in her sound mind to tell me.

I Have Seen Enough...

Working in the hospital setting present tense has shown me all I need to know... the system is a failed mess of non-compassion for the sake of bottom line greed. Sure there are kind people and good working souls who try their hardest to see that the sick and ailing get the best possible human care, but the for profit insurance companies and hospital corporate deities have taxed these jaded professionals to the limit... as I see it, hospitals not only do a disservice to their patient's, they do a worse disservice to the employees who keep their profit margin high.  It is just sickening that the richest country in the world has the health outcomes  that are on some level are not commensurate with those of some third world countries. I have always leaned to the left of politics, socialism is not a dirty word to me. As brothers and sisters on a planet, there will be those individuals who cannot take care of themselves... those who are fortunate to have good health and an income have a responsibility to care care of those who cannot take care of themselves. I am not a Christian... but isn't that what the prophet Jesus would do? Instead we have a system where the caregivers are being taxed to their own physical and financial breaking points, while corporate entities and shareholders want bailouts and bottom line profits maintained so they can continue their lavish lifestyles without impunity. The days are long and arduous for most healthcare workers, the deliberate bureaucracy put forth by these vipers are such that you would have to be a a magician to figure out the changing rules, and even if you did they would still steal your very life from you. I am covering for two such healthcare workers... both are my age, have worked 15 hour shifts to keep up with the demands of their jobs and both are now very ill in the hospital where they slaved and were threatened with dismissal because they were not keeping pace. They probably caught a bug and due to stress, had no immunity or will to fight it. One nurse is on a ventilator and the other is on her way... did they just give up? I believe that health care is a right , not a privilege and when you put profits ahead of taking care of your fellow persons... it is a recipe for disaster. The government has been taking care of the elderly with Medicare and the needy with Medicaid and yet the for profit insurance companies are not taking care of the working middle class who actually pay for their premiums and are still getting sick and going bankrupt in the process. Am I an advocate of universal healthcare? You bet your sweet hard working ass I am.. and for your money, if a loved one gets sick, by all means keep them as far away from the hospital as you can... love and care for them at home. They will be better off in the long run.

Settling Down

I have a new perspective in the busy workaday world that I have entered. Personally speaking I  am the the center of all that surrounds me... when my mind is in fear or disarray it seems that I invite more of that to occur through an attraction. When I change my mind to convince it that I will not give in to those negative emotions, and withdraw from being sucked in to the emotive negativity of others... it will leave me alone. Now I have always been a compassionate listener to the troubles of others, but in empathy I would get right in the midst of the negativity and knowing full well that there was nothing I could do to help the situation , I would give my best advice and then feel frustrated like it wasn't enough. I now realize the folly of that... when you invite negativity it will find a way in and pollute. Today I decided to listen and smile and not comment on the havoc that was being wreaked around me in the form of job frustration, medical failure, gossipy snipes at others... instead when these conversations were presented to me, I just smiled and stated, " It must be tough, I understand." Then I tried to just shut up and go for a walk to a pleasant surrounding ( outside the hospital where I work to look at the pretty trees) and say to myself... I am peace and therefore I feel peaceful. My day sailed by pleasantly and I finished all of the work that was put before me. The power of the mind is very powerful when you surrender to you inner self. It's only when the drama craving ego gets in the way do things go awry. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, do I really like the excitement of the drama or can I settle in to the quiet comfort of peace? I'm ready to start settling down.

Middle Aged Model for Hire

Today was a better day for me so I thought I'd share a giggle with you. Sunday I was invited to model a vintage wedding gown for the Red Hat Society. In case you didn't know, this society is an old girls club where 60 somethings get together, pay dues, and dress up in red hats (usually with purple acoutrement) and get senior discounts for luncheons and excursions and kicking up their heels. My mother -in-law is a member, and so is her friend Rita (aged 94). When she asked me to model one of the member's wedding gowns from 1965, of course I laughed and reminded her that I am no ingenue. " No, but your gorgeous", she stated ever so emphatically, "and Rita agrees with me"... how could I say no (clever, those gals.) There were five models who ranged in age from 20 -26, and me. We arrived at the luncheon and were warmly greeted by the Queen Bee of the chapter, a pretty lady who told a witty joke about a newlywed bride, horrified when her husband mentioned four letter words... clean, dust, iron and wash. A luncheon of finger sandwiches and a plethora of decadent desserts was laid before us. I hardly ate a thing as my Jackie O style gown was skin tight at the fitting and it's been 10 days with no cigarettes (food tastes so good). After the meal the "girls" were ushered into a cloakroom where we put on the gowns and waited our turn to parade around the restaurant with the homemade bouquets donated by one of the Red Hat ladies. As I entered the room I was met with a barrage of cameras flashing  and the women nodded in approval. I remembered my college days modeling assignment which involved the runway modeling of evening gowns, and I gave them my best catwalk in poses and flourishes. The highlight of the event came when I was asked to pose with the original wearer of the gown, a pleasant women who walked with a cane to pose a glamour shot with me. As she put her arm around me I suddenly felt humbled  and told her how honored I was to wear this beautiful gown... she told me I looked beautiful in it and I almost started crying (menopause?) What I thought would be a laughing joke in the midst of these real young ingenue's, turned into a thoughtful glimpse into "gal power"... I need not fear the distant future! 

Is Everything Broken?

I came home from my new job feeling a little uneasy... the lyrics from a Bob Dylan song wafting through my head... everything is broken... Well when it comes to the healthcare delivery system within the walls of the stone- hinged hospital, it seems to be. The walls and decor are most cheerfully decorated, the lab coated personnel walk confidently and sure-footed to their next task on a multi-list of ever changing priorities... the codes of multi-colored disaster blare over the loud-speaker ( everyone's eyes bely the terror... someone is violent, another is not breathing, a child has just died) and yet only the bodies act as if nothing significant is occurring. Sometimes you have to remain distant from the the occurrences so you can methodically react as if by rote, but everyone on the inside feels the tension of human demise, and only the brave comment about the carnage of a life awry. I watch as the psyche of my peers, try to carry on as if it was all a matter of routine... scurrying, shouting orders and demands... mostly,  "where is the chart," and, "who is this?" So much complexity within these walls, so much stupid paperwork, and IT screens that don't mean a thing. The truly hardened will not even meet you in hello, just a brief look of importance and a sniff in the air... some of these professionals I knew years ago when they were kind... they don't seem to remember. It's the future shock of a world gone too complex in a hurry and most of the caregivers are just trying to stay relevant... forgetting why they became healthcare workers in the first place. It won't deter my mission, I can learn the skills, the techniques, the computer stuff ... it's the compassion that I don't want to lose in the terror of all the complexity. I can't change the system or the the people who strive to conquer the impossible...I just want a chance to try to do my best and not lose myself in the things that really don't matter. Today was a tough day... tomorrow I will try to smile a little more.

Going with the Flow

Day 2 of my big adventure in a place no longer familiar to me... the hospital where I first learned my nursing care. Years of tending to the needs of my patients (and my patience), mostly physical and psychosocial... back then you didn't dare say spiritual (it was forboden). Now I minster to the health of the hospital itself by making insurance companies pay their fair share... by managing the appropriateness of care delivered. I still remember from experience what is a defendable length of stay and quality care... no need for the huge binder of mandated rules. In a calm and smiling demeanor I care about what I do, but not at the risk of frustration. I figure things our for myself, take breaks by walking the labyrinths of foreign hallways, elevators, and stairwells that sometimes go to nowhere. I parse through numerous windows of information to gather the defending facts... and if I get lost, I simply smile and ask for directions... it's not so hard being the new kid on the block.

No Jitters... just be cool!

I'm up at 5:00 AM... ok 5 :15. I'm excited about my first day on a job I haven't done in 10 years, but jeez what an ungodly hour to have to get started. The clothes were all laid out , like my first day back at highschool... even my make-up was arranged on the bureau... lunch money in my wallet and every piece of of documentation that I possess was in my pocketbook to prove my experience. Many trips to the bathroom , only one cup of coffee allowed... deep breaths and the asking of angels to help me with the terror of this bold move at changing my life. I left the house looking sharp in business clothes that haven't been worn in over a year... and pumps and a flip hairdo, hey older women need a little kick. Rode to work in my daughter's new car and felt like a big deal again. I arrived  early and was thrown a pager, some books, and paperwork with an apology that this unit was in crises..."it's OK, I'm your pinch hitter," I said with cheerfulness and shaky knees. Ushered to a real hospital unit, smelling of the past... nice people glad to see me there... I didn't forget any of the medical jargon and almost jumped in at the report with my old confidence. The computer system was archaic... but though I know how it could be set up so much better to save these nurses the waste of their time... kept my yap shut and offered a willingness to help and a feeling it wasn't a big deal to learn... people skills kicked in and my mentors taught me everything they could possibly think of to help me in this temp job. I made friends... I love these hard working nurses, I belong in healthcare to help make things better. Met a nurse I hadn't seen in 14 years... she was best friends with my mentors ...she didn't remember me at first (my hair is no longer dyed blond), but when she did, boy she remembered my boyfriend now turned husband Gerry and the kids, and we picked up where we left off. She offered him and me a big hug... I took it and then hugged my mentors for sharing their wisdom, their friendship, and their personalities on my first day (nurses are very touchy feely... too bad the world hasn't caught on )! Parking cost me $14 dollars, lunch $ 6, hey, it's in a city... no matter, I will go back tomorrow and help where I can... I should be paying them for such a great day in a field I should have never left. The gods and goddesses are smiling, I'm back where I belong. 

Hired Sight Unseen? Way!

Resigned to the fact that my working days were behind me, I made plans to visit my baby sister and her five children down the shore today. In the craziest turn of events, a recruiter called yesterday to present a job opportunity after finding my resume on Monster. She performed a verbal interview with me, and with my usual candor I told her that the case management position she was considering me for, was something I had done nine years ago and I might be a bit rusty and out of touch. She forwarded the resume to one of my ex-employers hoping I would be granted an interview. She was thrilled when she called me back and stated, "they looked up your previous work records and would like you to start on Wednesday. Whaaattt.. no interview? I was stunned. "No they took my word that I thought you were a terrific candidate and you must have had good evaluations" ( I guess being chosen primary care nurse of the year was a big deal). So today I will be faxing paperwork, providing references, begging my daughter to borrow decent work clothes, borrowing my father-in-law's car, and getting the usual first day back to school jitters. Who knew getting a job could be this easy... it only took 16 months.

The Worst is Over

It's been almost a week since I quit smoking, and of course the predictable happened... no I didn't give in, but I had a complete stark raving mad meltdown yesterday. I was sailing along for the previous few days chewing the Nicorette gum as directed and didn't really feel badly at all. Of course I was able to leave the confinement of my home and visit with my-ex and his wife, friends of theirs, and all the kids and grandpups on Saturday so there was plenty of talking and laughing to be done. Yesterday was a quiet day at home with Gerry, and we took advantage of the nice weather to sit outside on the patio, write stuff and watch my bunny Otis. I was really feeling the withdrawls in a bad way and decided to pour a stiff cocktail... big mistake. As I chomped piece after piece of the gum, my sensitive mind got all stirred up and imaginary scenarios started playing about my head. I tried to quell them with another cocktail, and all hell broke loose. I was convinced my husband hated me and wished me dead, then I was sure that all the music I was listening to had some deep message for me (they were all sad songs about breaking up) and I just lost it and cried for 3 hours. This is nothing new and happens every time I try to quit smoking and usually it's the point where I give in to the temptation and say "oh, hell with it, who really cares anyway." But instead, I got really pissed off that this drug would make me do and feel things that were just not congruous to my usually sunny disposition. I don't remember going to bed last night, but I was awake from midnight til early dawn making several trips downstairs to drink water and eat the cherries I was craving. Lucky for me Gerry doesn't make a big deal over my whacky behavior, he understands that between the menopause stuff and the smoking withdrawls, I'm bound to be really batty. Today I feel so much better, in fact, I haven't even needed one piece of gum yet. I'm taking my camera to go play in the park and then giving some thought to actually go searching for a used car so that I no longer feel like a "grounded teenager." I feel happy and playful and not a bit jumpy or irritated... I guess the worst is over, but to be sure that I don't revert to yesterday's drama as an excuse to smoke, I will be foregoing cocktails for a while... perhaps a good long while. 

The Party Continues...

Oh the meat was perfect... we were dancing around in wily anticipation of the children's return... mayhem ensued in traditional fashion, beers brought and pounded after a journey back home to Joysey... ha ha, we're not city folk. Gerry sauced up the loin with my proper gravy after a perfect carving and presentation with a parsley garnish. Only he can make the instant mashed potatoes to perfection, Otis didn't complain about our use of his carrots.. he got three, but I had to wash off the dill... so persnickety. Baby greens and a left over tomato cried salad in a wash of honey mustard and Caesar in the tossing of the green ... with sliced nuts on the side. We all shared our nutty side amid the cookies , sliced cake, and seedless watermelon. Grandma practiced the spoiling of the babes, my bull doggies loved the gravy pot on the floor, so a little gas never hurt anybody... don't tell my girls. I chewed like a bandit... and sang like a bar-room floozie... hey, it was wholesome, Huey Lewis and the News. A traditional night at the Boydwood Manor... drifted to sleep with the sounds of "Stuck on You" in my head... so true...

Stuffing a Loin...

Day one with no cigarettes wasn't so bad (as you recall I made myself sick on them). I chewed the gum at regular intervals and spent a very quiet and solitary day, writing, doing word find, watching Jeopardy and going to bed early... 8PM. I tossed and turned all night like a fretful baby, thankfully a big thunderstorm arrived so I had some entertainment. BAM a frightful simultaneous flash and crash... it was fascinating and terrifying at the same time. I fell asleep at dawn. Today is more of a test of the withdrawals associated with the addiction. My daughter and her husband are returning from VA with our youngest, who really didn't like living there or working there. (this is how we develop impromptu parties at my house). I'm in charge of dinner and since I don't feel like walking a mile to the food store with the threat of more thunderstorms, I'm making due with what I can find here. I defrosted a pork loin and remade some cornbread stuffing using southern cooked kale to stuff it with. All was going just fine until the tie up. Yikes, usually Gerry does this with the skill of a master chef... J. Pepin comes to mind. I had to call him cause I couldn't find the meat yarn (forgot what you call that ball of cord) and it was where I 'd never suspect. I was feeling a little nervous and a wee bit agitated as the stuffing kept falling out of my attempt at butterfying the meat. The Red Hot Chili Peppers blasted from iTunes and started getting on my nerves... I needed concentration here... damn, how does he get that rope to tie the meat and stuffing together, I should have paid more attention. Oh well, I just cut pieces and tied the gaping mess together with knotted shoelaces... about six of them. There was stuffing left over ( and plenty that spilled out of the meaty mess) but it wasn't enough for the expanding guest list. My son would be flying in from Memphis and would be coming as well, better make more. Frozen bread got thrown in the food processor, more onion and celery and chicken broth and lots of butter on top. Now a need a vegetable, shoot the only thing on hand is the bag of baby carrots that were bought for Otis my bunny. He'll only need three tonight so I'll dill them up with more butter. Salad will be a whole package of dark baby greens, some leftover tomato, and sliced almonds- no can do Erica is allergic. Wow it's really slim pickings for the salad. Dessert is easy... leftover cookies and cake from the open house, store bought with a long shelf life and there is watermelon ( I always have fresh fruit on hand, even thought me and Otis are usually the only ones who eat it). I'll make a pitcher of ice-tea, if the kids want beer I hope they bring it. Now I'm jittterry and see a big kitchen mess ahead of me... where is the f#$%ing Nicorette? Otis, did you hide it on me? Ok, found it... now steady and chew, deep breath... find the happy place... Animal Logic is a nice happy album... "firing up the sunset gun?" "living in a cold cruel world"... maybe not...oh now it's "someone to come home too" and very peppy. Screw the clean-up, I need to dance for a while. Gerry will help me when he gets home, and by that time I'm be calm again. And we will all have a good time, as he and I chew and know that we are both someone to come home to! 

Haha the lyrics from Pink Floyd are singing, "you got to pick up the meat with your eyes closed"... too funny...

Bad Girl

Yesterday was one of those days that started out with such promise and ended in a blur of disgust. Gerry had a day off and we both decided to quit smoking... starting today. After our usual trips to the store and the bank, we settled on tacos for dinner and a nice long porch sit... enjoying cocktails and the last pack of our cigarettes. I get so excited when I have a human to talk to during the day, but after a few "captain obvious" statements blurted out in the spirit of that excitement, I decided to concentrate on my writing and give Gerry's ears a rest. I sipped my usual water whiskey (1/2 shot to a pint glass of ice-water with a straw) chain smoked, and got busy writing a nagging thought that needed it's say. Gerry did dinner prep, made my favorite guacamole, and then settled down to do some writing himself. A quick visit from his parents was our only diversion... we chatted and all was pleasant and cozy. A few more cocktails, many more cigarettes, and some kooky thoughts not meant for sharing stole the rest of the afternoon... somehow I managed to find myself upstairs in bed for a much needed nap... instead I got dizzy and sick, and Gerry had to be my nurse... he was wonderful before I passed out. It was getting dark when I awoke and the last thing I felt like was another cocktail... so I drank some water and tried to eat some of the delayed dinner. The worst part was I still had four cigarettes to smoke... yick. Gerry and I both managed to finnish our disgusting pack of cigarettes and looked forward to the big quit (using Nicorette gum instead of cold turkey this time). Today I feel fine, took an hour bike ride at a clocked cruising speed of 13 MPH and I'm hydrating like crazy. I hate the gum... it burns my tongue, but I have no cravings or tempting thoughts about cigarettes. I'll probably do some singing, to remind myself of how my once decent voice has been wreaked by years of my nasty habit. Yes, it was a day that slipped away from me... but a new beginning is in the air.