It was a visit to Florida that I anticipated with mixed emotion. On one hand I looked forward to the hot sun and steamy heat... it's been rainy and cool for the past month and not the kind of weather that precipitates a sunny mood. On the other hand, I would be visiting the "old man", my father who shared a contentious past with me. I was the oldest, the ugly duckling, the bookworm, the one with no street smarts or common sense. For years I tried to defend myself and we had more than our share of heated debates... usually proving his point that I was over-sensitive and emotional. He loved to push my buttons to the point of despair... a know it all who got all his information from TV. When I arrived, I was momentarily startled by the ravages of age that put him and his crippled knees into a Hoveround chair. I did not show pity, but instead joked at the size of his joystick. I postponed my desire to quit smoking, as we would be sharing coffee and cigarettes as he filled me in on his solitary life which revolves around his TV shows. Patiently I listened and very gently steered the conversation to past memories of happy times. He cried relaying the the movie plot of the Glenn Miller Story, but remained dry eyed while talking about the recent death of his girlfriend. I was happy to see that his neighbors checked in on him, was not thrilled that he referred to me as his hooker or his new wife... but I played along, telling him in front of his visitors, "in your dreams old man." In order to get a break from the constant talking and smoking, I did three hours of yardwork (weeding and mulching) as he scooted by to inspect. I was also able to go to the store for groceries and took more time than I should have... just for the peace and quiet. While doing a thorough cleaning of his house, I noted that he has become somewhat of a fuss budget, giving me directions on what products to use, where his things belongs, how to load the dishwasher and the washing machine, and even how to change the sheets.... I took the directions and kept my frustration to myself. At one point he asked me to change his AC air filter, which meant climbing a ladder to the 10 foot ceiling and replacing the offending filter. Having had neck surgery years ago it was difficult to line the grate back up and screw the filter shut again. My arms kept going numb and I gave up. Stubbornly he hoisted himself up the ladder with barely functioning legs and finished the task... though I was terrified of him falling or having a heart attack, I let him show me he was still capable. I sat through his favorite shows (House and CSI which I would never watch on my own) and let him describe all characters and their connections from past episodes in familial terms... they are his family too. I did get to enjoy an afternoon at the complex pool with a good book, as he took himself to a doctor's appointment. I cooked him a special dinner and he sent me to the store to buy something pretty for myself for all the work I did. He allowed me to sip on my evening cocktails without reference to the fact that he hates drunks, and at one point I got him to think about the fact that things are not stupid (poetry, artsy films) just because he doesn't enjoy or understand them. He didn't argue back when I asked him to expand his mind a little and at least use better wording when assessing his dislikes. He became reflective... and changed the subject to something we both agree upon, Barack Obama being a fine president.In all, it was an enjoyable three and 1/2 days, long enough to realize that regardless of our differences, we accept one another with an unspoken but palpable love... a love that's been there all along.
