The Big Mean Cutting Machine

I'm not too afraid of anything these days since I've taken the fear of earthworms off my plate. But there is one event that occurs now on a weekly basis that will keep me in the house, nervously peeking out the window for a good 20 minute stretch of time and that is the visit by our trusty landscaper. He is honest and faithful and always shows up just when the lawn starts looking a tinge overgrown. He is a lone man this year, the extra helpers that usually do the trimming and the blowing of the patio are MIA, probably due to the current state of the economy. I don't mind because as nice as the "kids" have been in the past they really can't tell weeds from live flowering plants... last year all my chrysanthemums were unmercifully whacked to stubble by the trimmer... oh well, they were getting kinda shabby looking anyway. The boss seems to be a kind man, average build and height, and nothing to really be afraid of.... until he drives that professional mower off the ramp of his landscaping truck. Then look out because all hell breaks loose. Like a demon on a racetrack that has no boundaries, he careens across the yard at about 20 mph in zig-zags and curves that really kick up the dust on the bald spots. He wears a headset and I suspect he is listening to some kind of heavy metal music, perhaps Motorhead, as he throttles around in reckless fashion in a kind of sun-glassed trance. The squirrels run for shelter and suddenly even the birds get quiet as the roar of the machine drowns out all sense of peace and quiet. Everything in his path is pulverized to mulch as he seems to have no time to pick up sticks or branches. Only once I made the mistake of trying to leave in his presence, and I almost got run over... and I swear he didn't even seem to notice me as I jumped out of the way. An acre of lawn is mowed is the course of about 10 minutes (it used to take my husband 2 hours with a ride on mower and a good cigar). Once the mad demon has finished the lawn it's weed whack and sidewalk trimming time, which he does alternately using the same piece of equipment. The 'For Sale' sign is yanked with one pull of his arm as the whacking continues... amazing, but kinda scary. Then the tool is thrown into the truck and out comes the leaf blower. Anything left on the patio is fair game to blown to the side of the fence... I have even seen my rabbit's glass bowl sailing across the patio to be finally smashed into pieces and the pieces blown under a bush.... of course, it's my fault as I should have tidied up before he comes... but frankly I'm intimidated. Sometimes he actually charges us for the service with a bill in the mailbox and other times he just plain forgets. We always try to let him know when he has forgotten, but he just waves us off saying, "Ah, don't worry I'm a little behind on the billing." Now don't get me wrong, I love this guy and his unorthodox ways; he gets the job done... but I know to stay safely indoors when he comes around.