The Worst is Over

It's been almost a week since I quit smoking, and of course the predictable happened... no I didn't give in, but I had a complete stark raving mad meltdown yesterday. I was sailing along for the previous few days chewing the Nicorette gum as directed and didn't really feel badly at all. Of course I was able to leave the confinement of my home and visit with my-ex and his wife, friends of theirs, and all the kids and grandpups on Saturday so there was plenty of talking and laughing to be done. Yesterday was a quiet day at home with Gerry, and we took advantage of the nice weather to sit outside on the patio, write stuff and watch my bunny Otis. I was really feeling the withdrawls in a bad way and decided to pour a stiff cocktail... big mistake. As I chomped piece after piece of the gum, my sensitive mind got all stirred up and imaginary scenarios started playing about my head. I tried to quell them with another cocktail, and all hell broke loose. I was convinced my husband hated me and wished me dead, then I was sure that all the music I was listening to had some deep message for me (they were all sad songs about breaking up) and I just lost it and cried for 3 hours. This is nothing new and happens every time I try to quit smoking and usually it's the point where I give in to the temptation and say "oh, hell with it, who really cares anyway." But instead, I got really pissed off that this drug would make me do and feel things that were just not congruous to my usually sunny disposition. I don't remember going to bed last night, but I was awake from midnight til early dawn making several trips downstairs to drink water and eat the cherries I was craving. Lucky for me Gerry doesn't make a big deal over my whacky behavior, he understands that between the menopause stuff and the smoking withdrawls, I'm bound to be really batty. Today I feel so much better, in fact, I haven't even needed one piece of gum yet. I'm taking my camera to go play in the park and then giving some thought to actually go searching for a used car so that I no longer feel like a "grounded teenager." I feel happy and playful and not a bit jumpy or irritated... I guess the worst is over, but to be sure that I don't revert to yesterday's drama as an excuse to smoke, I will be foregoing cocktails for a while... perhaps a good long while.